Yes, cocker, that's mine. My turn.
'chelle? Are you ok?
You dirty fucker!
I never wanna see your tiny, twatty cock ever again!
What's up, nips?
hey, hey, come on, 'chelle
I was waiting for you tell me. Time's up, you wanker!
Jesus! What have you done this time?
- Sid? - I dunno.
For christ's sake!
I must say, she is a fiery one.
Tone. Shouldn't you, you know, go after her?
She'll come back.
Michelle? 'chelle, what happened?
- Never mind! - Never mind?!
Did he screw someone again?
Again?!
I tried to tell you, 'chelle.
- About who? - But you never wanna hear it.
- About who, for christ's sakes?
- Jenny, maggs, kelly, white justine,
Black justine, buck teeth from geography, posh kid from the choir.
Abigail?
Abigail stock? He promised he hadn't.
Why didn't you tell me? You're supposed to be my friend!
'chelle, I tried. I just didn't wanna... It's just tony, right?
- Did you do him? - What?
- Don't be so stupid, michelle. - I bet you wanted to fuck him.
Cheers, jal!
That's what friends are for, yeah?
Whatever, 'chelle.
'chelle?
Go away.
Please don't tell anyone. Everyone will think...
Think what, max? That you're a dirty little slut
Who fucks around with other people's boyfriends?
I-I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.
He just... It was nothing.
Can we just pretend it didn't happen. Yeah?
Go away.
Hi.
You mustn't call me, ok?
Yes, that was lovely,
But we just can't.
You want to what?
Oh god...
You're not even gonna see that again, never mind lick it!
Now listen to me, ok? It's over! Over and...
Oh, christ!
Drink?
No. God, michelle.
Who were you talking to?
Nobody.
- I'm gonna be sick! - Oh, um...
- I feel better. - Good.
Are you going to tell me what's happened? Possibly tony?
listen.
I'm sure you can work it out.
oh god, I love him so much.
And I made him go away.
Look.
He's so lovely.
Speak to him. Always best to talk.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Communication, that's the key.
Fuck off, you wanker! No, you listen to me, tosser!
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
For the last time, fucking leave me alone!
Shall I, er, drive you home?
Thanks.
- bloody hell. - I know who that was.
Who?
On the phone. It was chris, wasn't it?
Course not. Why on earth would chris ring me?
Angie?
Angie!
Look, I know you're here. Your car's in the car park!
You want me, angie!
Oh, fuck!
I don't see why you couldn't catch the bus home.
Cash outage. It's not my fault
The student residences are five miles away.
- Anyway, I wanted to see you... - Shut up, chris. Ok?
Michelle doesn't mind. She's got her own problems, ain't you?
Shut up, chris. Ok?
Ok.
I'm really grateful for the hockey kit and everything.
so am I.
shut it!
yours?
- It's alright, you know? - It's not alright.
- I know you want me. - I don't want you.
It makes perfect sense.
None of this makes sense.
I'm your fucking psychology teacher, ok?
It was a mistake and I'm not doing it again.
'chelle? 'chelle?
Hey, nips?
"it is the east, and juliet is the sun!"
"arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with grief"
Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?
- Sidney? - She thinks you're a tit.
She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Why do you pull all this shit, tone?
Fuck all ever happens in this shitty town.
You must improvise.
No matter who you hurt?
So I messed around with maxxie a bit.
So what? He was bored, I was bored,
Michelle was bored, and now we're not.
And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.
- Are you sure? - Don't be such a dildo, sid.
Of course she will.
"o', it is my love! O', that she knew she were!"
"she speaks, yet she says nothing."
"her eye discourses; I will answer it..."
Sid?
You see, sidney? Now you're getting it. Now you're getting it!
What?
Babe, she's doing it again.
Don't look at malcolm in a funny way when he's eating.
Does he have to make that noise?
I'm only eating, for christ's sakes.
He's only eating.
Babe, I got that delivery coming today.
- You said you'd lend me the dosh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Er, why are you giving him money?
- Sweetheart, we're married.
We all want malcolm's new venture to be a success.
Ha!
Cheers, babe.
- Why are you being so horrible? - Why do you care?
I do care, but in an "I'm already late for work" kind of voice.
So come on, make it snappy.
- I dumped tony. - Oh, right. What for?
Because he went down on a boy in my history class while I was watching.
Right, well, say you're sorry or something. I don't know.
And try and be nice to malcolm.
Anyway, what are you doing today?
I thought I'd lounge around the house in my underwear.
Great. Ok. Look, please be nice to malcolm.
I love him. He's my husband. Try and be happy for me.
jesus.
A psychology teacher can do that?
Yes, she can, but we gotta keep it under wraps, yeah?
Mm, yeah.
- Ho-ho. She got you good, tone.
- That wasn't michelle. This was.
Hey, nips.
People have got issues.
If anyone else wants to take a pop, then, please, go for it now.
Better out than in.
Sidney, are you gonna tell me what's going on?
It's like an episode of the oc in here.
Nothing. Just leave it, ok?
Right,... Everyone.
Um...
- Are you ok, angie? - Yeah,... Um...
Why are you wearing that scarf thing?
It's... A bit draughty today.
- It doesn't suit you, ange. - Anyway, who's presenting?
- It's me. - Ok, well, get on with it.
"the role of sex in power relationships."
- I asked you to write that? - Yeah.
"power is the single most...
Important force in the universe."
"money and looks mean nothing...
Except for the power they give us."
- "the second most important is sex."
"so sex plus power equals fun."
Whatever you did that michelle's too upset to talk about,
I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
This is all my fault.
I got off with tony on the russia trip.
I only did it because I fell out with anwar when he said he hated gays,
So I got upset, and tony said he'd give me head,
To cheer me up, you know, and I didn't mean anything but...
I lost my head, then he gave me head.
- Then we got deported from russia.
And I'm really sorry for being a slut, ok?
Right. Well...
Anyone else wanna get something off their chest?
- I'm in love with... - Sit down!
- Hi, abi. - Michelle.
Ahh. How safe to see you.
Isn't it? Can I ask you something?
Ok. How many times did you fuck my boyfriend?
- Oh! - Oh, abi. You didn't!
Very, very rude of you, yah? It's just horrid!
Don't worry. He fucks everyone, including boys.
- So you've got that in common. - Oh, you absolute bitch!
Hey, hey, hey. Easy, abi, easy.
Oh god, I didn't... I fuck... I mean, I just wouldn't!
- We believe you. - Ridiculous!
Don't go there.
Don't know what she's picked up.
Know what I mean?
- That's it! - The absolute limit!
I want to shit her, the fucking bitch cow whore!
Perhaps you should go, yeah?
I'm josh, by the way. Abigail's brother.
Sweet. Ok, well, bye, girls. Bye, abi.
♪ three little maids from school are we
♪ pert as a schoolgirl we can be!
Let go! I want to tear her tits off!
Let go of me!
Wow.
Come here, you curly haired tart!
I'm gonna fuck you up!!
Come back! Come back!!
♪ to say goodnight to the fallen truth
♪ say goodnight to the anger that swelled inside you
♪ say goodnight to the stars
♪ that are following you
♪ say goodnight to the moon
How long are you gonna keep this up for?
D'you know what?
I never realised how fucking knackering it is to know you, tone.
- It's fun, though. - You think?
Anyway, what do you want?
You know what? Tell me you love me.
- You know I love you, nips.
- No! Tell me like you'd die for me.
Like nothing else matters.
Like your world stops turning because of me.
Like you mean it, you little shit.
Go on.
I mean, come on...
Wrong answer, tony.
Fuck off. I'm busy.
♪ in my head it was cloudy all over
♪ in my eye I could picture this sky
♪ with a tear tattoo under one eye...
hi, this is cass. Don't bother leaving a message
Because I'm not listening.
♪ that shot that elephant down
- ♪ he would sit on a step of a house
♪ and look out...
Hi.
You love me, right? You really love me.
- Yeah. - How much?
- A lot. - That will do.
Wait. What are we...?
It's now, sid. It's now, ok?
- You go. - No. You.
- You. - Why not you?
mm, michelle.
Michelle, my glasses.
Um, are we gonna practice safe sex?
All in good time.
Stand by for lift off.
Sid?
I think I can honestly say that that has never happened before.
Bugger.
Come on, grab my tits.
Grab them!
- Yeah? - I dunno, 'chelle.
- I'll take it off. - Michelle.
- It's got a funny clip... - 'chelle!
I've dreamt of this twice a night for the past eight years,
To be exact, and three times on birthdays.
Wow. Was I good?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
- But this feels funny, you know?
- My tits feel funny?
No. No. You've got a lovely, er, handful.
But the thing is, you're michelle.
My friend michelle.
Do you fancy someone else?
I think I do.
But we're ok, yeah?
Because this isn't right when you're missing someone, too.
Sid. Have you got a razor I could borrow?
It's ok, dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.
Finally.
Liz? Yeah. Hey, listen
It's conclusive. He's not gay!
Should've rung, but she doesn't answer anyway. Let's go.
Just because you made someone try to kill herself
Doesn't mean she won't be glad to see you.
D'you reckon?
- That's it. We're going. - For christ's sake! Come on.
wow!
Jesus. What are they all doing?
They're trying to be happy, sid. It isn't easy.
No.
Can you see her?
Let's mingle. Just be inconspicuous.
- whoa!
- Cass... - Oh, wow.
Hi. What a lovely surprise.
Hey, cass. How are you doing?
But, we're not supposed to have visitors during happy time.
We won't be long. Sid wants to say something.
- Lovely. - I'll leave you to it, ok?
You want to stroke my pussy?
Um...
Isn't he lovely?
There were four, but they won't let gerard look after them any more.
Um, cass.
I'm sorry you tried to kill yourself because of me.
Oh, but that's ok, sid.
I realised something. I've been an idiot.
And I was hoping that maybe you'd give me another chance?
Oh, wow, sid!
Cool. You're so lovely. Wow!
Oh, great.
If I wasn't going out with simon, that would be amazing.
- Simon? - That's me.
- We've got so much in common. - Depression, self loathing.
He knows we can't have a physical thing.
I don't do that any more.
- I'm hoping you'll change your mind.
- I won't. It's so exciting.
- Right. - He wants me.
- I do. - He can never have me.
- I'm hopeful. - It's just perfect, isn't it?
I could get to like this.
I find it rather cool for kenya this time of year.
Ok.
Ok, marjorie. Are you ready?
Quite. Now did you have a word with the prince of wales?
He simply must stop coming into my room.
He's a frightful cad and, um, well,
I mean, I'm old enough to be his mother.
Ah.
Hi. Um, what are you doing here?
Er, visiting. What are you doing?
Working for my mum. She kind of owns the place.
- You might be breaking the rules.
- Oh, leave the girl alone.
She has tremendous thighs and deserves a little respect.
You're right, marjorie.
- Take your time. - Thank you.
Listen. Do you fancy a coffee maybe? Tomorrow?
Yeah. Nice.
Mud dock, then. Tomorrow, about midday?
Ok.
- Goodbye. - Goodbye.
Would you mind having a word with the quartermaster?
I like my antelope preferably very well cooked.
- I'll see what I can do, marjorie.
- Thank you.
Hello?
What the fuck?
They've sent me too many fucking bongo dongo dogs.
You know mum meets clients here on a Tuesday.
So? Look.
And I've only got two gerry giraffes.
Why are you such a wanker, malcolm?
- Eh? - I know you're using her.
Spending her money on your half-arsed fuck-ups.
I can only assume you've got a huge cock,
Cos there's no other reason she'd waste her time
On a tit like you.
- Hi. I'm back... What the fuck?!
Um, what... What the fuck are these?!
That's bongo dongo dog, and this is gerry giraffe.
Hey, babe.
I have got clients coming round in... Eight minutes
To buy into my unique vision of modern furnishings and fabrics.
I thought that we could put a few of them about, and then,
Um, maybe your clients could buy them, sort of thing.
You think my clients would decorate their homes with these?
Sure they would, babe. Look...
Look at the little expression on his face.
Look. Ah, ain't that lovely?
- Get these fucking... - Babe, they're £17.99 each.
..Fuckers out of my fucking house!
bitch! Keep your hands off my stuff!
keep your crap out of my house!
there's nowhere else to put it, cow!
Keep your stupid daughter out of my face!
they were right about you! You're a useless, lazy tosser!
- fat old slapper! - fuck you!
fuck you right back, right up your big fat lardy arse!
Goodbye, malcolm.
Malcolm says you were rude to him.
Go and say you're sorry.
No.
Go and say you're sorry to my husband!
Right. Go on, then.
I'm sorry, malcolm.
I should never have said you have a big cock.
I now realise I was mistaken.
That's not how it sounds, babe.
I know. Because you do, don't you?
- What? - Have an unfeasibly large cock.
Yep.
Well, get it out the, bongo dongo boy.
Cos I'm ready to make up.
she does my head in.
He's my third step-dad in seven years.
Twenty fucking seven years old.
Jesus. That's disgusting, right? That's... That's... Ugh!
I dunno. It's better she's got someone, isn't it?
- D'you think? - God, yeah.
Mother hasn't been laid in ten years.
Probably why she's off her trolley.
- She's what? - She's completely nuts.
- A psychotic basket case. - And she's a...?
Yeah, child psychiatrist.
Oh.
- It's nice. - What?
Having someone to talk to.
My last boyfriend never really spoke to me.
- How's that? - It's hard to explain.
Everything tony says, you can't work out whether it's a joke or an insult
Or... I don't know.
Sounds like he wore you out.
Yeah.
You really know how to get me talking, don't you?
son of a psychiatrist. Get it every sodding day.
- Your mother analyses you? - And the rest.
I'm unstable, with neurotic obsessive tendencies.
It keeps her happy and... Keeps me happy, too, actually.
God. You're very upfront.
What other way is there to be?
Josh...
Do you wanna get out of here?
- Where to? - A few drinks... I don't know.
Let's go.
Fuck the drinks. Let's go to my place.
♪ one is a gun with a dart for my sweetheart
# two, only you can remove such an ache so
# three, let me see what you've got
♪ what you're made of, what you're not...
Hi, tony. You're looking so, so fit.
Fit as fuck, ya? Ha-ha-ha, yah?
Hi, abi.
I heard you dumped that chav girl.
That's so safe. Slut.
We just weren't on the same level, intellectually.
- Not like you and me, eh, abi? - I am rather brainy.
Which was why I was thinking you might be just the right person
To help with my photographic project.
It's a study of the human form. In-depth, focussed study.
Well, that sounds jolly interesting.
When were you thinking of starting,
Because I'm absolutely, completely free right now, yah?
Cool. My place?
Safe.
You're lovely.
- Am I? - Yeah.
You're clever, funny, and...
Very, very pretty.
Do you think one of my tits is bigger than the other?
What?
Is one...?
Never mind.
Do you really have to take those things?
'fraid so. Done it for so long.
Mother used to serve them up with breakfast.
- I get a bit wobbly otherwise. - I can't believe that.
You should try without.
No. Um, you wouldn't like me so much.
I think I would.
who's that?
I thought everybody was out.
Cheers, mate. I'll get the rest, yeah?
Malcolm?
I thought you was at college today.
You know, of all my mum's marriages, I think this has been the shortest.
I don't have to explain this to you.
No. You don't.
Tell her I'm sorry.
- I just couldn't hack it, you know?
- Yeah, I know.
Something to remember me by.
Careless. Goodbye, malcolm.
♪ six little stitches thread through my heart
♪ seven shining reasons tearing us apart
♪ eight, lose your hate, it's a game
♪ come on, love me, it's your fate
- ♪ na-na-na-na-nah! Na-na-nah! - ♪ yeah!
♪ dart for my sweetheart
♪ dart for my sweetheart...
- Sorry, mate. - That's alright
Take it easy.
- Quite a nice phone, mate. - Cheers, jonno.
Yeah. Later, tone.
♪ dart for my sweetheart
♪ dart for my sweetheart...
You're such a gentleman.
I'll ring you.
- Maybe just whistle. - What?
You know how to whistle, don't you, josh?
You put your lips together and...
♪ eleven I know I'm not your favourite man...
I'll whistle.
♪ twelve I'll take you
♪ like only I can...
Here's a tenner. Get her home safe, yeah?
"stay not, be gone;
Live, and hereafter say,
A madman's mercy bade thee run away."
what? Who?
josh. He sent me pictures of abigail.
She's... She's got her tits out for him.
Why... Why did he do that?
Who's... Who's josh? 'chelle!
Oh god. Yet he warned me.
He's fucking crazy.
I feel so weird.
Ah, babes.
You'll be ok.
I'm fine. I'm fine...
I fucked it all up again.
I'm too loud, too impatient, too clever.
You know, what I always forget is...
Because I'm happy, you know,
Cos I'm just being me...
I can't help it if I'm a funny old cow with a loud mouth and a big bum.
Your bum's not that big.
You know, I never felt tired around him.
I felt good, really good, and now he's gone, the fucking twat.
And I know he loves me, he's just a scaredy cat.
I'm sorry, mum.
You know, I really, really loved having sex with him.
Hi.
I'm so sorry, 'chelle.
Come on. Let me see.
Jesus.
I didn't know you could get your legs into that position.
He warned me.
He told me his family were screwy.
Told me he was, too.
Well, that's pretty screwy.
Taking beaver shots of your own sister.
Delete them.
Has he tried to ring you?
Oh, about a thousand times.
- Don't... - Don't worry.
A drink?
Malcolm.
How you doing?
- Not so clever, as it goes. - Why's that then, wanker?
I just... Miss the big mouth and the big bum.
She's my mum, malcolm. Watch your lip.
I always blow it, alright?
I get jumpy.
I just... I wish I could, like, fucking just...
I'm a wanker.
I'm a wanker...
Does she miss me?
No.
Alright, she fucking misses you.
But you let her down, malcolm, and that can't happen again.
So decide.
Stay here or get your coat.
Don't you fucking dare go back on it.
Let's go.
I'm staying out here.
Spruce up, man!
ok?
- Ok. - Ok.
You're a proper girl, yeah?
Yeah.
Hello, nips.
I heard about pervy boy.
He really needs to learn how to use a phone.
"send to all"? You gotta be careful with that.
Yeah, you're probably right, tone.
- So... - So?
- Can we stop this now? - And?
Get back to normal.
Stuff happens. You get over it.
- Yeah, but... - Yeah, but... Yeah, but...
Oh, 'chelle. You got nasty.
Yeah. What are you doing here?
I came because it turns out that, as it goes, I...
I think I might love you.
That's an awfully long sentence, tony.
- Well, yeah, but... - Huh.
Yeah.
'chelle?
I said it, ok?
I'm sorry.
Beg.
Sorry?
You heard me, tone.
Ok. Er...
Look, please can we get back?
I won't do any of it again. The cheating and lying...
Undermining. Sneering. Taunting. Manipulating.
Ok. Yeah, all of those things.
I promise.
So?
So I'll see you around.